When the Shift Hits: How to Protect Your Energy and Stay Grounded

I recently had a conversation with another spouse about how everything seems to go sideways when our partners go on shift. Honestly? That’s not my experience anymore. But back when I was a new mom, juggling 12-hour days and adapting to a new normal, it certainly felt that way.

My partner is involved and helps out, but some days he comes home depleted—mentally, physically, emotionally—and is, well… worthless in the activity realm. And let’s be real: we’re all looking for relief when they walk in the door. But here’s the thing—I realized they are too.

It’s like a double screen, each of us watching a different battle play out, both of us craving a moment of release when the other arrives. Sometimes, relief doesn’t need to be dramatic—it’s support cloaked in a soft, cushioned package.

So how do we ask for that support? And what do we do when asking isn’t an option?

We have backup. Not the “let’s all show up guns blazing” kind of backup (though, yes, spouse support groups—love you!). I mean the strategies and tools that let us show up for ourselves when no one else can.

Step One: Take a Breath

Yes, I said it. Take a breath. This simple act regulates your nervous system, lowers cortisol, and gives you a tiny pause to resist the urge to clinch your fists. Think of it as resetting your internal thermostat before you act. Gottman would call this “self-soothing”—a crucial first step before conflict, overwhelm, or exhaustion takes over.

Step Two: Grab Your Minimum Standards List

This isn’t a to-do list—it’s your lifeline. Keep it on your phone, bedside table, or fridge. The point is: when your brain is fried, you don’t have to remember everything in the moment. You just do what’s on the list.

Step Three: Remember It’s Temporary

Everything—the chaos, the exhaustion, the mini-crises—is temporary. The good, the bad, and the in-between will pass. Promise. This mental framing is a simple neurolinguistics technique that shifts perspective and reduces emotional overwhelm.

The Minimum List: What Really Matters

Your list isn’t about doing it all; it’s about surviving and thriving in your depleted state. Mine has four essentials:

1. Movement – A walk with the dog, stretching in the living room, or an outdoor activity with the kids. Just move your body to release tension and boost your mood. Simple but effective.

2. Nourishment – Fuel your body efficiently. This could be a protein-packed shake, a quick, balanced meal, or anything that gives you energy without much thought. Consistent, easy nutrition is a game-changer.

3. Love – A hug, a funny story from your kids, a text from a friend, or a moment of laughter. Gottman's research shows that positive interactions like this shift brain chemistry and help you handle stress better.

4. Mindset Reset – Take 5 minutes for a guided reflection, a deep breathing exercise, or a mini meditation. This is the mental support that fuels your subsequent decisions and keeps you on track for long-term goals.

Everything else? Can wait. Decision fatigue is real: indecisiveness, irritability, emotional exhaustion, procrastination, reduced self-care, mental fog, forgetfulness. By limiting choices in these moments, you preserve energy for what truly matters.

Short-Term Struggle for Long-Term Gain

Think of your minimum list as your short-term strategy that protects your long-term vision. Maybe 75% of your time is intentional, fueling your habits, nutrition, and routines. The other 25%? Give yourself grace—off days happen, and that’s okay.

Neurolinguistics teaches us that reducing micro-decisions—what to eat, when to move, small household choices—frees mental bandwidth for decisions that matter most. And Gottman reminds us: self-soothing and positive interactions keep relationships and our own minds healthier.

Who’s Cheering You On?

Your support system matters—your ride-or-die friends, family, or even the kids. Showing them how parenting can be challenging isn’t weakness—it’s humanity. Letting yourself receive love and support allows you to recharge and show up as your best self.

If you’re ready to develop stronger habits, build accountability, and shift your outcomes in life, my Longevity Reset can help you get started. Together, we’ll find the best place to begin so you can reclaim energy, clarity, and joy—even on the busiest days.