Keeping the Fire Lit: Nurturing Fondness and Admiration in Fire Service Life

Fire service life comes with a unique set of challenges—long shifts, unexpected call-outs, missed holidays, and the emotional toll of the job. Over time, these stressors can create distance in a marriage if we do not intentionally stay connected.

The second in our blog series of Gottman’s key principles for a strong marriage—Nurturing Fondness and Admiration—reminds us that a successful relationship isn’t just about getting through the tough times but actively appreciating each other through them. I like to think of nurturing fondness and admiration like a muscle in my marriage. If I don't exercise the muscle, it will deteriorate over time. It also will not be as strong as it needs to be to progress through life's challenges as they come together. What are ways we can work out our marriage muscles? What does that look like in relationships?

Why Fondness and Admiration Matter in Fire Service Life

When stress and exhaustion take over, it’s easy to focus on what frustrates your partner rather than what you admire about them. But shifting your perspective can help strengthen your bond and prevent resentment from creeping in. In the fire service, there are numerous places where resentment and frustration can take over. By consistently expressing admiration, you build a marriage where both partners feel valued and seen, even in the busiest and most demanding moments.

Fire Service-Specific Examples of Nurturing Fondness and Admiration

Before and After Shift Changes

Firefighter to spouse: Leave a note on the counter before leaving for shift: “Thank you for holding everything down while I’m gone. I couldn’t do this without you.” or a short text on the second day on tour, "How was your night?"
Spouse to firefighter: Send a text before their shift: “You’re amazing at what you do. Be safe. I love you.” or send a good morning text asking how their night went.
After shift: Instead of diving into complaints about the complex parts of the day, start with appreciation: “I’m so glad you’re home. I missed you.”

Building acceptance around the chaos of the life you built, creates a positive spin on what might be challenging for anyone. Highlighting the positive eliminates the opportunity for negativity and contempt because they can't occupy the same space.

During the Chaos of Fire Service Life

When a shift is unexpectedly extended, the spouse could say: “I know you don’t want to be stuck at the station, and I admire how dedicated you are to your crew and the people you serve.” or "I appreciate how much you sacrifice to provide for our family, missing you."
When plans are canceled due to a last-minute call-out, the firefighter could acknowledge: “I know this isn’t easy on you. I appreciate how flexible and supportive you are.”

Perspective plays a huge role in providing admiration and nurturing fondness. It creates opportunities to communicate that you see their side of the aisle and are there for each other.

Celebrating Each Other’s Roles

Firefighter to spouse: “I know I miss a lot of moments, but I see everything you do to keep our home running. You are truly the backbone of our family.”
Spouse to firefighter: “I see how much heart you put into your job. You don’t just fight fires—you give people hope.”

The slightest glimmer of support and understanding can provide each other a sense that you are in this together, teammates in the wildlife you are living together.

On Special Occasions or Missed Milestones

If a firefighter misses an anniversary or birthday due to a shift:
- A heartfelt letter left behind: “I wish I could be with you today, but I want you to know how much I love and admire you.”
- Planning a special makeup celebration for when they return.
If a spouse celebrates a significant personal or professional win while their firefighter is at work:
- A message from the firefighter: “I’m so proud of you! I may not be there physically, but I’m celebrating with you from the station.”

Celebrating each other's wins is like having a pocket cheerleader via text. The most minor mention of celebration to each other goes a long way over time. They are small deposits into each other's emotional bank account.

Recognizing the Emotional Weight of the Job

When a firefighter has a rough call: “I know today was hard. You don’t have to talk about it if you’re not ready, but I admire your strength and the way you care for others.” or, "Let me know what you need right now, I'm here for it."
When a spouse feels overwhelmed handling things at home: “I know you carry a lot while I’m gone. I don’t take that for granted, and I appreciate you so much.”

Just like celebrating each other's wins, recognizing the weight you carry for each other makes you stronger. Recognizing how much each other puts into your life provides validation and support to keep going, even on the hardest days.

Keeping Things Playful and Light

A spouse can hide little sticky notes of encouragement in their firefighter’s gear: “You’re my hero, both at work and home.”
A firefighter can send a quick, playful message on break: “Still the best-looking fire wife out there.”
Inside jokes and shared humor—texting a funny memory or using a goofy nickname—help keep the connection alive.

Anytime we create a space with a partner that no one else is in, we develop a closer bond. Random jokes, shared laughter, or even ongoing conversations provide opportunity to connect. It's much more meaningful when that opportunity comes with the person you want to be closest to.

A Small But Powerful Shift

When life gets hard, it’s easy to focus on the things that frustrate us. Instead, making the conscious choice to express admiration can change the entire tone of your relationship.

Try This Today: Pick one thing you admire about your spouse and tell them. A text, a note, or a quick moment of eye contact and appreciation—it all matters.

Fire service life may be unpredictable, but a marriage built on fondness and admiration can withstand anything. Please share with us in the comments how this one shift impacted your relationship.

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