Turning Toward Instead of Away: Strengthening Connection in Fire Service Life

In a firefighter marriage, connection isn’t always about grand gestures—it’s built in small, everyday moments. Whether it’s a casual comment, a sigh of frustration, or a glance, these little interactions are what Gottman calls emotional bids—subtle or direct attempts to connect.

Fire service life can make it easy to miss these bids. Long shifts, emotional exhaustion, and the unpredictability of the job can create distance if we’re not intentional. But choosing to turn toward rather than away from your partner’s attempts to connect strengthens your relationship and keeps you feeling like a team.

This is where our brain's reticular activating system (RAS)can come into play. This system controls incoming information (stimulus) you're aware of, so you'll be motivated to behave in a certain way (Very-well Health). Discuss with your partner what turning toward each other looks like for you. Identify those key pieces so that when life becomes busy, you both are more aware and looking for those bids for connection.

What Does "Turning Toward" Look Like?

It means responding with interest and engagement when your partner reaches out for connection, no matter how small the moment seems.

• Firefighter: “We had a bunch of calls today."

  • Turning toward: “Oh, anything you want to talk about?"

  • Turning away: [Distracted, scrolling phone] “Oh, nice.”

• Spouse: “The kids were wild today but built a crazy fort in the living room.”

  • Turning toward: “That sounds like chaos! Did they let you in the fort?”

  • Turning away: [Exhausted, doesn’t respond or changes the subject]

These tiny moments of engagement may seem insignificant, but they add up. Over time, they create a sense of emotional security, reinforcing that "my partner listens to me, sees me, and values what I share."

Fire Service-Specific Challenges & How to Overcome Them

1. Exhaustion Can Make It Hard to Be Present

Challenge: It’s easy to check out mentally and emotionally after a long shift.

Solution: Even if you’re tired, acknowledge your partner’s bid with a small response. A simple “That sounds great, tell me more in a minute?” buys you time without shutting them out.

2. Missing Each Other’s Timing

Challenge: Firefighters may come home ready to talk, but their spouses are knee-deep in daily tasks—or vice versa.

Solution: If one of you isn’t available at the moment, say, “I want to hear this. Can we talk after dinner?” This shows you care without forcing the conversation at a bad time.

3. The Emotional Load is Different for Each Partner

Challenge: A firefighter may downplay a tough shift, while the spouse feels overwhelmed with home life, leading to disconnection.

Solution:

• Firefighter: If your spouse asks, “How was your day?” instead of shutting down, offer a small, honest insight: “It was rough, but I don’t want to unload everything on you. Can we just sit together for a bit?”

• Spouse: Instead of brushing off their stress, turn toward it with a simple acknowledgment: “That sounds hard. I’m here if you want to talk about it.”

  
  

Simple Ways to Turn Toward Each Other Daily

1. Acknowledge the Small Moments

   • If your firefighter shares a funny station story, engage—even if it seems trivial.

   • If your spouse mentions a small win at home, celebrate it with them.

2. Ask Open-Ended Questions

   • Instead of “Did you have a good shift?” (which can be answered with “yes” or “no”), try: “What was the best or worst part of your shift?”

   • Instead of “How was your day?” try: “Tell me something that made you smile today.”

3. Show Physical Connection

   • A slight touch, hug, or sitting close while talking reinforces emotional presence. I always appreciate a love pat on the booty as he walks by me. It's a small reinforcement that shows he still likes me.

4. Put Away Distractions

   • Turning toward means actually listening—put the phone down, make eye contact, and be present. We need to work on this one. The doom scrolling after the kids go to bed is real!

Why This Matters in a Firefighter Marriage

The fire service can pull you in different directions—physically, mentally, and emotionally. But when you choose to turn toward your spouse, even in the smallest moments, you reinforce that your marriage is a place of safety and connection. Every bid for connection is an opportunity. The more often you engage rather than withdraw, the stronger your bond becomes.

Over time, shift schedules can become more about logistics and less about the present moment. Being present can support the need to rush through interactions with one another. Taking time just to be together can reinforce the reasons you came together in the first place. If you have children, modeling this behavior can also trickle down to them.

We discuss this in our courses, but imagine your relationship has an emotional bank account. Bids for connection are like interest that builds and adds value over time. Small incremental input that over the long haul will add immense value to your marriage.

Try This Today: Pay attention to your partner’s emotional bids and consciously turn toward them. Even one slight shift can make a big difference in your connection.

If you like this post and want to learn more, visit our website for additional resources or tools to connect with yourself or those you love.