Creating Shared Meaning in Firefighter Marriage: The Glue That Holds Us Together

When you marry a firefighter, you're not just marrying a person—you’re stepping into an entire way of life. From wild shift schedules and missed holidays to moments of pride and deep worry, this life demands more than just communication and compromise. It requires a shared sense of meaning—a “why” behind the chaos, and a deep “we” that stays grounded even when the world feels upside down.

Dr. John Gottman refers to this as creating shared meaning, and it may be the glue that holds firefighter marriages together.

Shared meaning can look different for each couple. Identifying your values is the first step in finding shared meaning. Understanding your values and those shared with your partner, even if some of them differ, can significantly contribute to your experience as a couple. Identifying values can add sparkle or color to your glue. It helps to determine what unique traits make your union so special and the reasons you keep coming back to it.

Over time, values and shared meaning can shift. Your values will look different at 5 years versus 20 years into the relationship. They will also look different depending on where you both are in your fire service journey. Finding a shared meaning of the fire service can be complicated. Both your and your partner's perspectives matter and can impact each other in various ways. You may value different aspects of the fire service. By defining shared values, you can identify what is essential to your partner. This provides each person with a guide to what is important and how to positively impact the relationship by understanding the values you share and those that may differ.

What Is Shared Meaning?

Creating shared meaning is about building a life together that has purpose and rituals, where you feel like you're on the same team. You share not just a home or parenting responsibilities but also a story.

In firefighter marriages, that story might look different than most. It may include:

• The unspoken pride of being part of the fire family.

• The quiet sacrifices no one sees.

• The good, the bad, the not-so-pretty parts of living this life.

• The courage to face another long night shift or a missed birthday and still choose each other.

But here's the key: shared meaning doesn’t just happen. You create it—on purpose, together.

1. Build Rituals of Connection

Fire life is unpredictable, and rituals bring predictability, comfort, and connection to your relationship. They remind you who you are as a couple, not just as partners juggling logistics.

Try creating small, meaningful routines like:

• A “welcome home” ritual after shift (coffee, cuddles, five minutes of undivided attention).

• Text check-ins during downtime—something simple like “Thinking of you.”

• A consistent way to say goodbye (a specific phrase, a forehead kiss, a fist bump—whatever feels like you).

These might seem small, but they carry emotional weight. They become anchors in the chaos.

For us, our rituals include hellos and goodbyes. He does the same thing each time he says goodbye to me in the morning before his shift. For me, everything would be off the rest of the day if he didn't. I would constantly worry or have this uneasy feeling. Is it some dramatic ritual? No. But the routine of the ritual builds comfort and reassurance that all is normal. We also include our kids; if they didn't get to call Daddy to say goodnight, it tends to be upsetting for them. This ritual is more of an unspoken value to connect, meaning, if I don't make time for the kids to say goodnight, I'm taking away time from them to bond and spend time with their dad. Let's be real, those calls aren't always perfect, but making them happen is a must.

2. Define Your Family Culture

What do you stand for as a couple or family? What values do you want to live by, especially when life puts pressure on everything? Maybe it’s service. Perhaps it's presence. Maybe it’s faith, or humor, or resilience.

Talk about it. Write it down. Let those values guide how you make decisions, how you parent, and how you support each other. This helps shift the narrative from “we’re surviving this crazy life” to “we’re building something meaningful through it.”

We haven't written down our family culture, although if you know my husband, you know he doesn't pass up an opportunity to prank someone. This has carried over to our kids, and they have now taken great pride in helping their dad scare the pants off me every chance they get. Yes, they still startle me even though I know I'm currently living with three other humans. Each time it happens, I feel a smidge bit closer to him, because his silliness comes out in them, and I have a love/hate relationship with it, if you know what I'm saying.

3. Support Each Other’s Roles and Dreams

In many firefighter marriages, one partner is “on the front lines” while the other holds down the fort. That can create imbalance or resentment if you don’t feel seen or valued.

Creating shared meaning means recognizing that both roles are essential—and that both people have dreams, passions, and identities beyond the job.

Talk about your dreams. Ask your spouse what lights them up. Revisit your own. And cheer each other on, even if those dreams don’t look the same.

When you honor each other’s dreams, you build a foundation of respect and possibility, not just duty.

This one can be tough. Most first responders I know possess an innate sense of duty, which often carries over into their personal lives. Sometimes to a fault. We are still working on this one for him; I continue to be mindful of asking what he wants after the fire service. I am blessed to have a partner who supports all of my outrageous ideas, like starting this blog and my coaching program.

This can take time, and the awareness that builds when searching for it will open up space for something to fill it. Be patient for that something to reveal itself to them. It will.

4. Create Shared Goals and Traditions

Set long-term goals together, even if they're small or slow. This gives you a “north star”—something to look forward to and work toward as a team.

Examples:

• Planning a post-retirement adventure (yes, you can dream that far ahead!)

• Creating an annual trip or staycation tradition

• Saving up for a fire-family retreat or wellness weekend (there are so many out there!)

• Committing to a monthly “connection night” just for the two of you

Traditions and goals turn day-to-day life into a bigger story you’re writing together.

One tradition we've become more involved in is the annual spouse conference with his department. We have been able to create shared meaning around the experience we want other couples to have.

Celebrating anniversaries was not a priority for us before kids. Now we take time to be together and create time for each other. It helps us to connect and shows our kids that our relationship is significant, too.

5. Talk About What This Life Means to You

Fire life isn’t just a job—it’s an identity. It shapes how you see the world, what you fear, and what you hope for.

Ask each other:

• “What does being part of the fire family mean to you?”

• “What’s been the hardest part of this lifestyle?”

• “What helps you feel proud of the life we’ve built?”

These aren’t casual questions. They open the door to deeper understanding—and help you remember that you’re not just in this because of the job… you’re in it because you believe in each other.

When I asked my husband what he was most proud of, the answer he gave was unexpected. I'll keep his answer just for me, but it made me more aware of what is important to him in our life and what he prioritizes. It shifted my understanding of his perspective just enough to appreciate it more.

When we discuss what this life means to each of us, it creates an opportunity to open a window into one another's experiences of it. This brings us closer together and allows us to support one another when things get tough.

Final Thoughts:

Creating shared meaning in a firefighter marriage is about more than surviving the tough stuff. It’s about crafting a life that feels sacred, intentional, and yours. It's about sharing your experience with your partner, allowing them to support your hopes and dreams for that experience.

You don’t have to do it all at once. Start with a ritual. A conversation. A shared goal. Keep building. Keep dreaming. Keep showing up for each other—not just in the challenging moments, but in the quiet, meaningful ones, too.

Because in the end, it’s not just about staying together—it’s about growing together. Share in the comments which post in our Gottman Series you liked best and why. We can't wait to hear how our tips helped you grow together!

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