Solve Solvable Problems: Strengthening Your Fire Service Marriage

Fire service life comes with stressors that no couple can entirely eliminate. You can’t change the unpredictability of calls, the exhaustion after a long shift, or the weight of the job. But what you can do is tackle the practical challenges together—building a partnership that supports both of you. In the Gottman framework, solving solvable problems is about managing everyday stressors before they turn into deeper conflicts.

In the Gottman Love Lab, they found that 69% of couples' problems are perpetual and likely will never be solved. Only 31% of their problems are solvable, meaning they can resolve issues and move on (Gottman, 2015). In this post, we'll discuss how perpetual problems can arise in fire service relationships and ways to identify solvable problems that can help ease our approach to the tricky ones where a resolution eludes us.

Perpetual Problems - What are they? How do we define them?

Every marriage has problems that don't quite get solved. The key is to identify solvable vs. perpetual problems. Perpetual problems in a fire service marriage can look quite different from those in other relationships. Uncontrollable schedules, sacrifice, ever-changing calendars, life demands, and unfulfilled or unmet needs can compound into an environment that can be overwhelming and unforgiving at times.

Identify the perpetual problems in your relationship and discuss them with your spouse. What are they, and how do they show up in your daily life together? In our house, the dishes are a constant topic of colorful conversation. He does them, and I do not. I'm known to clean the rest of the house to avoid dishes. However, until recently, I had a very inaccurate understanding of how much my husband hates it when I leave dishes in the sink. We've lived together for over a decade, and he still likes me. So, I'm doing something right, but it's still a perpetual problem for us.

Another example is punctuality. I physically can't stand being late, so much so that I will have a negative response and completely lose my temper if we are late. It's something I'm working on. He doesn't want to be late, but he often misses the timeline I have in my head, which I might have never bothered to mention exists. You can see where I'm going with this one. Again, it's a perpetual problem that we often joke about eventually.

What Gridlock can do in firefighter marriages, and how to avoid it.

While solvable problems are situational, perpetual problems if left unattended (note I didn't say unsolved) have the potential to become gridlock issues. Check out our next post to learn more about how to avoid gridlock. The key for now is understanding the following steps to solve solvable problems so your perpetual problems do not become more significant.

Why Solving Small Problems Matters

Not every challenge in a fire service marriage is a significant crisis, but small stressors can accumulate over time. Minor frustrations—like missed communication, shift transitions, or differing expectations—can erode connection when unaddressed. The key is to approach these issues as a team, working toward practical solutions that strengthen your relationship rather than adding to its stress.

I have found that creating a shared understanding can allow space to see the problem from my spouse's perspective. This can diminish the need for one of us to feel right or vindicated in our solution. It simply puts the problem on the table without ties to who set it there. We solve it together or encourage each other to find ways to solve it and move forward. No scoreboard is identified (I'm not saying it doesn't exist elsewhere) for solving minor problems.

Strategies to Solve Solvable Problems

1. Create Routines for Shift Transitions

The transition between shift and home life can be a tricky one. Your firefighter spouse may come home exhausted, mentally drained, or still processing a difficult call. Meanwhile, you’ve been holding down the fort and may be eager for connection. Without intentionality, this moment can lead to miscommunication or frustration.

• Establish a decompression routine that works for both of you. Does your firefighter need quiet time, a workout, or a favorite show to reset? Does the at-home partner need a moment to step away after solo parenting, or want to connect after a long shift apart?

• Communicate your needs without assumption. Instead of guessing, ask: “What would help you transition home today?” or “How can I support you after your shift?”

• Be flexible—what works one week might need adjustment the next.

  
  

2. Manage Job-Related Stress Together

You can’t remove the stress of the fire service, but you can decide how it impacts your relationship.

• Set boundaries for when and how work is discussed. Does your firefighter need time to unwind before talking about a rough shift? Or do they prefer to get it out right away? Find what works best for you both.

• Normalize emotional check-ins. A simple “Where are you on an emotional scale of 1-10?” can open space for connection.

• Recognize when professional support is needed. Sometimes, talking to a therapist or counselor can help ease the burden on your marriage.

• Spouses: Recognize that your firefighter may not want to share certain aspects of the job for protection, not exclusion. It's okay to clarify and share how it makes you feel if they don't. Firefighters: Evaluate how this response would make you feel if the tables were turned; keep that in mind as you respond to promote connection.

  
  

3. Tackle Household Logistics as a Team

Fire service life often means unpredictable schedules, extra responsibilities on the at-home partner, and the need for flexibility. Solving these challenges together can prevent resentment from building.

• Have a shared calendar to keep track of shifts, events, and responsibilities. Ours looks like a lit Christmas tree most of the time.

• Communicate expectations clearly—especially about parenting, chores, or financial decisions. Grace helps with this one, on both sides.

• Acknowledge each other’s contributions. A simple “Thank you for handling things while I was on shift” goes a long way in maintaining mutual respect.

  
  

4. Be Intentional About Connection

When stress and logistics take over, emotional connection can suffer. Nurture your relationship even amidst the chaos. Sometimes, acknowledging you need time together can make your partner feel needed and loved.

• Schedule time together, even if it’s small—like a coffee date before a shift or a check-in call on a break. We have used connection cards once everyone is in bed. Five random questions have given us some of the most interesting conversations and 15 minutes of closeness.

• Use appreciation and affirmation. Compliments and gratitude help counterbalance stress, and acknowledging your partner's effort can mean everything on stressful days. My favorite is when he stops whatever he is doing to hug me. After six seconds of closeness, I'm instantly in a better place.

• Find shared activities that help you reconnect, whether it’s a TV show, a hobby, or a simple walk together. My husband and I walk the dogs when I work from home, and the kids go to school. It's an easy way to catch up and reconnect.

  
  

Final Thoughts

You can’t remove the stressors of the fire service, but you can control how you navigate them as a couple. By tackling practical challenges with teamwork and intention, you create a resilient and thriving relationship. Solve the minor problems together, and you’ll find that even the big ones feel more manageable with a strong partnership. What’s one small problem you and your firefighter spouse can solve together this week? Start there and build from it.

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