From Command to Collaboration: Letting Your Partner Influence You in a Firefighter Marriage

Fire service life thrives on structure, a transparent chain of command, and effective decision-making. At the station, there’s a hierarchy that ensures order and efficiency. But at home? A firefighter marriage isn’t about rank—it’s about partnership.

One of Gottman’s key principles for a strong relationship is Let Your Partner Influence You—a reminder that in a healthy marriage, both voices matter. Mutual respect and shared decision-making create balance, especially when one partner’s schedule and job demands can easily overshadow the other’s needs.

A great example of this is when my husband and I discuss the stress of our day. I used to hold back my complaints about things at work after he was on a long shift. I would tell myself that my issues were insignificant compared to what he deals with on shift. To his credit, he would always respond, "My trauma doesn't invalidate your trauma." And it stuck. He consistently reminds me that I am allowed to have problems, too. Although they don't involve life-altering issues, they still create stress and upset for me. His validation influenced my narrative around my stress compared to his.

Comparison is not validation. Partners need to feel heard and understood. It may look different, and allowing influence in decision-making amid any issues that arise can be supportive, helping us feel less alone. To achieve this, understanding and connection must be present.

Why This Principle Matters in Fire Service Life

Firefighter schedules can be unpredictable and demanding. It’s easy for decisions—about family time, finances, parenting, or social plans—to revolve around the firehouse calendar. However, when one partner consistently bears the burden of decision-making, it can lead to resentment and imbalance. Allowing your spouse to influence you doesn’t mean giving up control—it means valuing their input and working together as a team.

In the book, Dr Gottman mentions a study with 130 newlywed couples followed for nine years, which found that men who allowed their wives to influence them reported happier marriages and were less likely to get divorces than those who resisted their influence. This is not to say the wives were always correct. When we discuss influence, we acknowledge that couples operate as a team, enabling each other to offer ideas and solutions to address their respective problems. Much like our firefighters will do on the job.

Let's be clear: allowing influence does not mean that one partner's ideas overshadow those of the other. Nor does it mean one person wins. When arguments come up, the negativity is matched, not increased or escalated by the responses. Influence involves equal respect and consideration for each other's point of view and experience in the relationship and the issues you face together.

Fire Service-Specific Examples of Letting Your Partner Influence You

1. Scheduling and Family Planning

🚒 Firefighter to Spouse: “I know I’m on shift for your birthday. What can we plan to make it special when I’m off?”💙 Spouse to Firefighter: “You’ve worked a lot of overtime lately. Can we set aside a full day together next week?”

Instead of defaulting to the fire schedule dictating everything, involving your spouse in these conversations makes them feel seen and valued. Yes, it would be ideal not to be on shift during birthdays or special holidays. However, we know that is not always the case. What does schedule planning look like for you?

2. Financial Decisions

🚒 Firefighter: “I was thinking about picking up an extra shift this week. What do you think? Will that put too much stress on you at home?”💙 Spouse: “I know that shift pays well, but we also haven’t had much time together. Can we talk about a balance that works for both of us?”

Money is often tied to the fire service—extra shifts, pensions, side jobs—but financial choices should be made together, not just based on station needs. I know I have felt a sense of guilt in making these decisions. It can be challenging to prioritize the needs of your family over those of your partnership. However, finding a balance between the two can demonstrate that you both understand and value the needs you have for both providing and spending time together. How do you and your partner find balance?

3. Parenting & Household Decisions

🚒 Firefighter: “You know the kids’ school routine better than I do. What’s the best way for me to help on my days off?”💙 Spouse: “I appreciate that! Maybe you could handle morning drop-offs when you’re home so I can get a break.”

Parenting in a first responder household often means that one parent is frequently solo. However, when the firefighter is home, allowing their spouse to influence decisions about routines and responsibilities ensures they’re stepping in where it matters most. In our house, support often comes from relieving the stress of rushing home through traffic to pick up the kids. My husband can usually pick up our girls a few hours earlier when he's off, so it relieves me of the stress of getting to them on time. That way, I can schedule something for myself now and then after work. What does it look like for you?

4. Handling Time Off & Social Commitments

🚒 Firefighter: “The guys from the station invited me out on my day off. I’d love to go, but I also want to make sure we get time together. How do you feel about it?”💙 Spouse: “I know you need time with your crew, but I also miss you. Maybe we can plan a date night before you go?”

Acknowledging your spouse’s needs—rather than assuming time off is only for recovery or station friendships—builds trust and appreciation.

It can be easy to misunderstand or misinterpret what our partners need from time to time, especially when the majority of conversations with fire service spouses involve logistical planning around schedules. Checking for understanding can go a long way when discussing each other's needs and concerns. Messages that are sent and received aren't always interpreted the same way. What are some ways you check for understanding with your partner?

How to Start Letting Your Partner Influence You

1. Ask Their Opinion—And Really Listen

   • Before making decisions about shifts, finances, or big plans, check in with your spouse.

   • Even if the decision ultimately falls on the firefighter, knowing their partner’s thoughts should be part of the process.

   • Home life needs the same consideration, so set the stage when you have the conversations to optimize results.

2. Recognize That Your Fire Service Life Affects Them, Too

   • Just because firefighters adapt to their schedules doesn’t mean their spouses aren’t impacted.

   • Involve them in conversations about creating a balance.

   • Define what balance would look like for each of you and share with your partner. This is a great way to see what is similar and where you differ. (Not an opportunity to point fingers).

3. Make Compromises That Show You Value Their Input

   • If your spouse requests a specific day together, prioritize it as you would an important call. They are indicating an unmet need.

   • If they’ve been solo parenting a lot, adjust your rest time to help them out. Offer to support a need they might not realize they have.

4. Shift From ‘Me’ to ‘We’ in Decision-Making

   • Instead of: “I’ll be working that weekend.”

   • Try: “I’m scheduled that weekend—how can we plan around it so it works for both of us?”

   
   

Why This Matters in a Firefighter Marriage

In a career that requires so much structure and sacrifice, home should feel like an equal partnership. When both partners feel heard and respected, the connection deepens. Allowing each other to influence your relationship is not a one-and-done process. It is ongoing and can shift over time depending on your family dynamic or stage of life. We set time every month to check in, just as we would with our budget or schedule. I have found that he has influenced me in ways I never expected. Often, my husband's voice is in my head when I'm alone and something happens with the kids. It helps me stay calm, but I've also incorporated some of his mindset into my approach at work. As much as it annoys me to write this, it's true. I also see the value and growth from it.

Letting your spouse influence you isn’t about losing control—it’s about recognizing that a strong marriage is built on shared decisions, mutual respect, and prioritizing each other’s needs.

💬 Try This Today: The next time you make a decision—big or small—pause and ask your partner’s opinion. Even this tiny step shows them that their voice matters. Because in a firefighter marriage, teamwork doesn’t stop at the station—it starts at home.

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